A Parent's Grief
Will I Ever Stop Hurting?
Most of us expect to bury our parents someday. We
can accept that they will grow old and die - that is nature's way.
But we do not expect to bury our children. Having a child die before do
seems to go against nature, to go against our sense of what is
right. Psychologists say that is just one of many reasons why the
death of a child is possibly the most difficult loss of all to
accept.
"The relationship between a parent and child is
different from any other relationship in the world," says Therese
Rando, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of Parental Loss of A
Child. "Parents who lose a child also lose the hopes,
dreams, and expectations they had for that child. They lose parts of
themselves. The child represents their sense of ongoing life."
People who have children often feel that being a parent is
the most important role they play in life, whether their children are
three years old, or thirteen or thirty. Therefore, the death of a
child is a tremendous assault on the identity of a parent, Dr. Rando
explains.
Reactions to a Child's Death
If your child has died, you will likely experience several
common reactions of bereavement, but to a greater degree than
normal. You m ay go into shock or even deny at first that your child
has died. You will likely become depressed. Even if you
normally are a committed, caring person, you could find that you don't
care about anything or anyone. You may become preoccupied with the
circumstances of your child's death, recreating them over an over in your
mind. You may even have dreams or nightmares about your child - or
think you see or hear him.
The intense grief caused by your child's death can take a
physical toll as well. You may lose weight, have difficulty
sleeping, become irritable or listless, or feel short of breath. Grief
has even been known to cause hair loss.
But of all the normal reactions to death, the two you may
experience most acutely are anger and guilt. Because the death of a
child is unnatural, there is an especially strong urge to blame
someone. You may be angry at the doctors or nurses who didn't save
your child, or at God for letting your child die. If your child died
because of some traumatic accident, you may be angry at whomever you
believed caused it. If your child's actions partly caused his death,
you may even be angry at him - and then feel guilty about your anger.
In fact, you are likely to feel guilty for many
reasons. Parents often feel terribly guilty simply for living when
their child has died. If you had an argument with your child or had
to discipline him shortly before his death, you may feel guilty for not
being "better" to him.
But perhaps you will feel most guilty because you believe
you should have prevented your child's death. You may find yourself
consumed by thoughts of "if only": if only I had checked
on her a minute sooner; if only I had been there.
A Father's Grief
Fathers especially tend to suffer guilt over failing to
prevent a child's death. While both parents feel responsible for
their child's safety, men have often been taught that protecting the
family is their primary role. Many father's also have a difficult
time expressing their grief. They may still believe on some level
that "big boys don't cry," or they may want to be
"strong" for their wives and other children.
Unfortunately, this may keep fathers from working through their grief and
resolving it.
Effects on a Marriage
While bereaved parents know they will experience intense
grief, their child's death can have another effect they do not
expect: It will probably alter their feelings toward each
other. "The marriage will never be the same. It may be
better or worse, but never the same, says Dr. Earl Grollman, author of Living
When a Loved One Has Died.
Dr. Rando explains that parents expect their grief to be
similar because they have lost the same child; however, "they've each
had a different relationship with that child; the relationship the father
mourns is different from the relationship the mother mourns."
As a result, the parents may find it difficult to
communicate. "When one's up, the other one's down," Dr.
Rando continues. "The husband may want to put up pictures of
the child, but the wife can't take it. This puts a lot of stress on
a couple when they're used to working together." One parent's
physical resemblance to the dead child can also cause difficulties for the
other parent.
A child's death often causes sexual problems within a
marriage as well. "One spouse may want to feel intimacy with
the other. But the other may not want the closeness, because letting
down the emotional barrier means feeling the pain." Sexual
problems can last up to two years or longer after a child's death, Dr.
Rando says.
Coping With A Child's Death
How can parents handle the problems brought on by their
intense grief? "You need to find someone who can understand
your feelings," says Dr. Edgar Jackson, a psychologist and
author of You and Your Grief. Dr. Jackson, who himself has
lost two sons, urges grieving parents to join the Compassionate Friends or
other associations of bereaved parents.
It is important for parents to comprehend that sever grief
can make them feel like they're going crazy. If you are afraid your grief
is out of control, you might consider asking your clergy person, doctor or
funeral director to suggest a counselor. If nothing else, you may be
relieved to find out your problems are normal.
Finally, remember that other people will likely feel very
awkward around you because they won't know what to say. you can help
bridge the gap by simply telling them what you need and letting them know
if it's all right to mention your deceased child.
Talking to Your Other Children
Your other children will look to you to explain the death
to them. A child's questions will depend on his age, but your
answers should always be honest. Don't tell a child that his brother
or sister is "sleeping"; he will be afraid of dying in his
sleep. Don't tell the child that God wanted his sister; he
will be angry at God and fear being "wanted" himself.
Simply answer the questions as they come, without offering more
information than is necessary.
However, you should assure young children that they will
not die of the same cause, and that they had nothing to do with their
brother's or sister's death. Young children sometimes fantasize that
they caused the death by being "mean" to a sibling or by
fighting with him.
Remember, your other children need to resolve their
grief. They will take their cues from you, so give them permission
to grieve by letting them see your own grief. you won't do them any
favors by "protecting" them from the grieving process.
A Note To Grandparents
Grandparents have the double burden of grieving for
their grandchild and seeing their son or daughter suffer pain.
Although you cannot take that pain away, you can still offer your help in
taking care of the other children, making dinner and, most importantly,
listening. Dr. Grollman stresses, however, that you should not take
over the funeral arrangements - that is something your child, as the
bereaved parent, must undertake as one step in working through his or her
own grief.
And do not neglect or bury your own grief even as you
support your son and daughter. You need to express your feelings as
well. This is a good time for honest talk with your family and
friends.
Reprinted with permission of the National Funeral
Directors Association
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