A Child's Suicide
About Suicide
The suicide of a child presents unique circumstances that
intensify and prolong the parent's mourning. Suicide is a reaction
to overwhelming feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, helplessness,
hopelessness and depression. It occurs when a person's pain exceeds
his or her resources and ability to cope. suicide is the third
leading cause of death for people fifteen to twenty four years of age in
the United States. It is the sixth leading cause of death for
children between the ages of five to fourteen.
Although the incidence of suicide is very high in certain
types of mental illness, not everyone who dies of suicide is mentally
ill. Many parents have endured the frustration caused by years of
hospitalizations, medications and blame. Others encountered brief
periods of conflict or worry, while some experienced none at all.
Sometimes there are warning signs of the person's
intentions. However, the clues may have been disguised or coded so
that even a trained counselor might have missed them. Occasionally
there are no discernible signs, and the child's catastrophic decision
becomes an enigma that cannot be resolved.
The Compassionate Friends has adopted the terms,
"died by suicide" and "died of suicide" rather than
the harsh, "committed suicide," the language of an earlier era
which is so often offensive to parents whose children have taken their own
lives.
After Suicide
Denial and feelings of shock, guilt, anger and depression
are part of the normal grief reactions but are heightened when a child has
died by suicide. It is not unusual to experience feelings of relief
if the relationship with the child was destructive for the family.
The suicide of one's child raises painful questions,
doubts and fears. The knowledge that your love was not enough to
save your child and the fear that others will judge you to be an unfit
parent may raise powerful feelings of failure. Realize that as a
parent you gave your child your humanness - your positives and negatives -
and that what your child did with them was primarily your child's
decision.
It is not uncommon for bereaved parents to have suicidal
thoughts. Suicide is not inherited; however, the suicide of a family
member can have a profound influence on others in the family. Be
patient with yourself and them, and seek professional help and family
counseling if necessary.
Cultural and religious interpretations of an earlier day
are responsible for the stigma associated with suicide. It is important
that you confront the word suicide, difficult as it may be.
Keeping the cause of death a secret will deprive you of
the joy of speaking about your child and may isolate you from family and
friends who want to support you. Rather than focusing on the stigma
surrounding suicide, try to concentrate on your won healing and survival.
Anger
You may feel anger at the child, God and the world.
You may be angry at yourself because you were unable to save your
child. It's OK to express it. Anger is a common emotion when a
child has died by suicide, and sometimes healing cannot begin until that
anger is confronted and expressed.
Guilt
Feelings of guilt may surface, and "if only" is
a phrase you may find yourself repeating frequently. You may need to
feel guilty for a while to know that you are not responsible.
Sometimes you need to go through a feeling to get beyond it. Believe
in yourself. You are human - accept your limitations.
Questioning
There is usually a need to ask, "Why?" The
questions should be asked, although often there are no clear
answers. It is important to struggle with the questions; eventually,
you will be able to let them go.
Depression
Listlessness, inability to concentrate and the feeling
that you have nothing to live for are all normal reactions in
bereavement. Moderate physical activity can be a means of combating
depression. Allow family and friends to take car of you. You
don't have to be strong. Maintain contact with persons you value.
Disillusionment
Often parents find themselves in a spiritual crisis and
question their beliefs or feel betrayed by God. Religious concerns about
the hereafter also surface. "Why did God let this
happen?" is a question we can no more answer than all other
questions about imperfections in this world. It may be helpful to
talk with other parents who have experienced a suicide as to their
feelings regarding spiritual or philosophical questions. For those
with concerns of a spiritual nature, do try to find a gentle,
nonjudgmental member of your faith and open yourself to that person.
Coping Constructively
As a family, talk about the death to each other; talk
about your loss and your pain. Talk about the good times you
remember as well as the not-so-good. All family members will be
grieving in their own manner. Try to understand this. It is
better to express feelings rather than to internalize them' crying is healthy
and therapeutic.
It may be helpful to write out your feelings or to write a
letter to your dead child, expressing all the things you were not able to
say before the death. For many, it is a good way to say good-bye.
Let friends help. when they ask what they can do for
you, don't be afraid to tell them of your needs and what will help
you. It will also help them.
It may be beneficial to become involved with a mutual
self-help group, such as The Compassionate Friends. Through sharing
with others who have walked the same path, you may gain some understanding
of your reactions and learn ways to cope. Seek professional help and
family counseling if necessary.
Give yourself time - time - and more time. It takes
months, even years, to open your heart and mind to healing. Choose
to survive, then be patient with yourself. In time, your grief will
soften as you begin to heal.
This article is reprinted with
permission from a brochure published by The
Compassionate Friends. We have this and
other brochures available at our funeral home, and would be glad to mail
them if requested. Just call or email us using the link below and
let us know which titles you would like to receive.
 
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