Lessons on Living from Those Who Are Dying
By Dr. Frederic B. Tate
Williamsburg, VA

    Two decades of hospice work have taught me something - people with terminal illnesses have very different priorities than those who are healthy.  What I find fascinating is that research by authors such as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and Raymond Moody, suggests that people who have survived life-threatening experiences like accidents or illness, experience many of the same responses and changes as those who are dying.  The rest of us, however, continue as if death were optional, living for the future as opposed to the moment, and too often failing to stop and smell the proverbial flowers.  
    If only we would listen, we might learn much about living from people who are dying or who have been close to death.  But most of us will not take the time from our busy schedules to hear their wisdom, and as a result, continuing blindly in the same direction.  Though it need not be the case, we rarely change direction until forced to do so.  When one is faced with a diagnosis of cancer or walks away from a serious auto accident, life is seen in a different light.  One need only listen to the survivors of 9/11 tragedy to find examples of this.   For most of them, a flat tire is no longer a crisis, the sunset is magnificent, or it is easier to forgive someone who has hurt them.  The changes are often marked and family and friends may even be frustrated that their loved one is "not the same person they used to be."  A direct confrontation with death can motivate, inspire, and give new meaning to life.  
    What are some of these changes that occur to people who face death?  These transformations of beliefs and actions can be organized around several, general themes.  Following is a summary of what people who have come close to death feel are the important lessons they learned.

•     There is no need to fear death.  Death should be a motivator, a warning not to put things off or to take life and health for granted.  It should give life meaning and purpose, but not be feared.
  

•     Appreciate the simple aspects of life - watch the sun come up or down, plant a garden, feed the birds, spend time with a child or someone who is alone.  Helping another person need not take extraordinary amounts of time or money.  Try to do something good, no matter how small, for another person every day.
    

•     Material possessions, wealth, and fame are of little importance.  Relationships with others and helping people are important.  After cancer surgery and chemotherapy one man stated, "My job holds less importance to me.  I now spend as much time as possible with my wife and son."
   

•     The more tolerant, forgiving, and loving we are of others, the better.  Judging others based on such factors as race, religion, and sexual orientation become meaningless to people facing death.
  

•     Try not to let the little things get you too frustrated.
  

•      Have some quiet time alone each day to sit and do nothing.  One busy mother of three who almost died from a reaction to medication, would get up each morning at 6:00 am so she could sit alone for an hour before her family got up.  Having time alone is often a necessity for those with similar experiences.  

    In general, people who are forced to deal with death, report a new feeling of love and appreciation for life and humankind, and the knowledge that our time here is finite.  There are advantages to making some of these changes in our life now; changes we would make if we were told we only had a year to live.  When death does come, it is guaranteed that we would have fewer regrets.  

(Dr. Tate is a psychologist at Eastern State Hospital in Williamsburg, Virginia, the nation's oldest public hospital.  He can be contacted at ftate@esh.state.va.us )