The Stages of GriefAdaptation and excerpts from Dr. John D. Canine's "I Can. I Will." Many of the people who have studied the emotional status of individuals who have suffered the loss of a loved one have developed a series of emotional stages that an individual will move through during their period of bereavement. The following information is excerpted from Dr. Canines book "I Can. I Will." that explains stages of grief. "Death is a beginning. Once it occurs the survivor must move on with life, start over. However, there is at first a downward trend after the death occurs, and the survivor will move through four stages before a resolution happens. Some, or even all, of these stages may last from only a few seconds to several months. The point is that each stage will occur, and in a specific order."  "From death a downward pull occurs. Denial happens, followed by numbness. Next, a slump or a feeling of falling into a "pit" when the survivor is searching for answers occurs. As the survivor surfaces from the pit, they enter a disorientation mode but from this resolutions occur." DENIAL - "Everyone knows what it means to deny the existence of something. You simply say it isn't so." Denial is normal, even though a person may see the deceased person. However, this should not continue for a long period of time. NUMBNESS - "This period can last through the funeral. In fact, it is how survivors actually make it through that funeral week." "Numbness is that time when shock has settled into the person's mind. The survivor, in a state of shock, walks through the funeral rites. They do so without energy, and may even suffer from chronic tiredness. No matter how much sleep they get, it seems they need more. At any rate, they continue to do all the arrangements without thinking." SEARCHING - "The survivor falls into a kind of 'pit'. It is a depressed state that the survivor finds themselves in. They question their own validity, have self doubts, and feel guilt and anger." "Survivors may dream about a deceased, and the dreams can reveal how the survivors accept the death." "Another element of the searching stage deals with loving again. Many times a widow or widower will make the statement that they will never marry again because the spouse could never be replaced, or they will never allow themselves to be vulnerable again, they cannot be hurt. It follows, then, that if they want to escape grieving ever again, they simply need to not love anyone again. Only those people who love can grieve; and, although grieving is not something a person looks forward to, it is better than the alternative, never loving. Grief must become an acceptable and normal part of life and recovery" DISORIENTATION - "Our emotions are like a rubber band after death. Part of us pulls to move ahead without the loved one, and part of us pulls toward the past because that is the only way we can think of the deceased. We are restricted in our movement because of this action." "In the disorientation stage, there are feelings of confusion, worthlessness, self-accusation and loneliness. When a spouse or child dies, there is often a feeling of 'Why bother going ahead?' But it is the 'going ahead' that is very important to recovery and eventually resolution." "The past should not be forgotten nor should it be lived in exclusively or permanently. Reminiscences are fine, but do not dwell in the past. Let go of the past and watch yourself shoot forward." RESOLUTION - "It is letting go that resolution can occur. If you do not let go, you will not change, forgive, or understand yourself. The survivor needs to set goals to bring about these areas of letting go." "It is important to point out that change should not be too hasty, nor goals too lofty. In the beginning, it is important to take one day at a time. You don't want to feel guilty in this final stage of grief. You want to feel good about yourself and your recovery." Dr. John D. Canine is director of Maximum
Living Associates, in Birmingham Michigan. Dr. Canine and his staff
have counseled many individuals and families following a loss of a family
member. Maximum Living Associates works in partnership with funeral Homes
throughout Michigan, Ohio, Illinois, and Florida, and are expanding their
services to other areas as well.
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