Suggestions For Friends:
A child has died. Regardless of the child's age or
the circumstances of death, you feel empty and helpless. What can
you say that will ease the pain and help mend the hurts?
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP?
There are no easy answers, no standard approaches that are
universally helpful. There are no magic formulas which will make the
pain go away. It is natural to fell helpless when the child of a
friend or relative dies. Remember that showing your loving concern
can be very comforting to a grieving family. Please don't avoid them
because you feel inadequate. Families are more likely to reach a
healthy, positive resolution of their grief if they receive continuing
support and understanding. The following suggestions may help you
provide that support:
DON'T try to find magic words that will take away the
pain. There aren't any. A hug, a tough and a simple, "I'm
sorry," offer real comfort and support.
DON'T be afraid to cry. Your tears are a tribute to
both child and parents. Yes, the parents may cry with you, but their tears
can be a healthy release.
AVOID saying, "I know how you fell." It is
very difficult to comprehend the depth of the loss when a child dies, and
to say you do may seem presumptuous to the parents.
AVOID using, "It was God's will," and other clichés
that attempt to minimize or explain the death. Don't try to find
something positive in the child's death, such as, "At least you have
other children." There are no words that make it all right that
their child has died.
LISTEN! Let them express the anger the questions,
the pain, the disbelief and the guilt they may be
experiencing. Understand that parents often have a need to talk
about their child and the circumstances of the death over and over
again. It may be helpful to encourage them to talk by asking a
gentle question such as, "Can you tell me about it?"
AVOID judgments of any kind. "You
should..." or You shouldn't..." is not appropriate or
helpful. Decisions and behaviors related to displaying or removing
photographs, reliving the death, idealizing the child, or expressing
anger, depression or guilt may appear extreme in many cases. These
behavior patterns are normal, particularly in the first years following
the child's death.
BE aware that, for parents with religious convictions,
their child's death may raise serious questions about God's role in this
event. Do not presume to offer answers. If the parents raise
the issue, it would be better to listen and allow them to explore their
own feelings. They will need to arrive at an individual philosophy
about this.
BE there. Run errands, help with household chores,
provide child care and help in whatever way is needed. Don' say
"Call me if there is anything I can do." That call will
probably never come. Be aware of what needs to be done and offer to
do specific tasks.
GIVE special attention to surviving children. They
are hurt, confused and often ignored. Don't assume they are not
hurting because they do not express their feelings. Many times
siblings will suppress their grief to avoid adding to their parents'
pain. Talk to them and acknowledge their loss.
MENTION the name of the child who has died. Don't
fear that talking about the child will cause the parents additional
pain. The opposite is usually true. Using the child's name
lets parents know that they are not alone in remembering their child.
BE patient. Understand that grieving families
respond differently to their pain. Some verbalize, others may seem
unable or unwilling to talk, some withdraw and others strike out angrily.
SHARE a fond memory of the child. "I remember
when she..." or "He had a wonderful gift for..." can be
reassuring to parents that you appreciated their child and are aware of
their sense of loss. Relate amusing anecdotes about the child.
Don' be afraid of laughter. It helps to heal the hurt.
REMEMBER the family on important days such as the child's
birthday and death anniversary. Send a card, call or visit.
Let them know you remember, too.
GENTLY encourage a return to outside activities.
Suggest a lunch or movie as relief from the isolation of grief. If
your invitation is declined, don't give up! Ask again and again, if
necessary. The third or fourth time you call may be just the day
that an outing would be most welcome if someone takes the initiative.
THERE is no standard timetable for recovery. Grief
usually lasts far longer than anyone expects. Encourage bereaved
families to be patient with themselves. They often hear, "Get
on with you life; it's time you got over this!" Those demands
are unfair and unrealistic. When parents express concern about being
tired, depressed, angry, tearful, unable to concentrate or unwilling to
get back into life's routines, reassure them that grief work takes time
and that they may be expecting too much of themselves too soon.
BE sensitive to the changes a bereaved family
experiences. Family members will adopt new behaviors and roles as
they learn to live without the child. This is a painful and lengthy
process. Don't expect your friends to be unchanged by this
experience.
REFER a grieving family to The Compassionate
Friends. There may be a chapter near them, ready to offer support,
friendship and understanding.
CONTINUE your contact with the family. Grief does
not end at the fuenral or on the first anniversary. Stay in touch
often and don't forget to mention the name of the child who died in
conversation as easily as you would the name of any other member of the
family.
On behalf of all families involved in The Compassionate
Friends, we thank you for caring enough to want to help. Your loving
concern makes YOU a "Compassionate Friend."
This article is reprinted with
permission from a brochure published by The
Compassionate Friends. We have this and other brochures
available at our funeral home, and would be glad to mail them if
requested. Just call or email us using the link below and let us
know which titles you would like to receive.
 
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