Suicide
When someone close to you dies, it is difficult to let
go. If the death was unexpected - the result of an accident, for
example - it is even harder to accept. When someone chooses to end
his or her own life, accepting the death can seem impossible.
Unfortunately, more people than ever before are living
with the shock of suicide. In the past 30 years, suicides in the
United States have increased by 11 percent, to about 30,000 per
year. Suicides among adolescents have tripled. In 1984,
400,000 adolescents attempted suicide. More than 6,000 were
successful, and because many suicides are reported as accidents, that
figure may actually be much higher. Health professionals are calling
adolescent suicide an epidemic.
Why Do They Choose To Die?
Doctors, clergy, psychologists and grieving families are
all asking the same question: why are so many people choosing death
over life?
Some say that life has become more difficult, especially
for adolescents. The days when teenagers could count on growing up
and running the family farm or business are gone. Teens and young
adults may feel overwhelming pressure to excel, to compete, to make their
way in what they see as a hostile world.
In fact, suicide victims are often success driven.
Studies have shown that there are more suicides among college students
than non-college students, and more suicides at prestigious colleges than
at others. Recent clusters of suicides have occurred in well to do
suburbs where teens are expected to go to Ivy League schools and
eventually excel in a well paying profession.
An alarming number of young people today believe they have
no control over their lives. Rabbi Earl Grollman, who has written a
number of books on death, says that when he recently asked a group of
young people how long they expected to live, many replied that they would
be dead by age 21 - killed by nuclear bombs.
At the same time, many traditional sources of security and
strength in our society have broken down. A staggering divorce rate
has broken the bonds of the family. A mobile American lifestyle
keeps many children from developing a sense of hometown roots or of
belonging to a community. Fewer people these days belong to a
church. In short, today's teens feel pressure, but have fewer places
to turn when the pressure becomes overwhelming.
Reactions To Suicide
If someone you know has committed suicide, you may
experience the normal grief reactions, but intensified. You may go
into shock. You may feel numb, unable to move or to talk
coherently. This shock is natures way of protecting you, of letting
you slowly accept what has happened. You may deny at first that your
loved one is dead or was the victim of suicide. It's common for
family and friends of a suicide victim to insist that the death was an
accident, despite all evidence to the contrary.
You may become quite angry. you may feel that
someone close to the victim should have seen warning signs and prevented
the suicide - friends, parents, teachers, doctors, a spouse or any
counselors the person was seeing. You may be very angry with the
deceased for killing himself, saying to yourself, "How could he do
this to me?"
There is a good chance that you will feel angriest with
yourself. "I should have done something! I should have
stopped him or her!" you may say. Parents and
spouses are especially likely to become burdened with this kind of guilt
after a suicide.
You may feel guilt for another reason: if the
suicide victim's emotional turmoil had made him or her difficult for you
to handle, you may feel a sense of relief that you do not have to
worry about it any more - then feel guilty because "I
wanted this to happen."
You may feel profoundly sad or sink into a deep depression
after the suicide. You may lose your appetite, have difficulty
sleeping or become irritable. You may become obsessed with the
deceased, playing out the circumstances of the death over and over in your
mind. You may even think you see or hear the suicide victim at
times.
Coping With Suicide
Grief is difficult, but it is necessary. It is
the process that lets us accept and cope with death. And it is
something you will work through. One of the best ways to start this
healing process is to attend the funeral. Funerals confirm that
death has occurred and allow mourners to gather and share their grief
while supporting each other emotionally.
It is very important that you share your tears and talk
about your feelings to others. Express your anger, your guilt and
your fears. Your friends may feel awkward around you for a while
because they do not know what to say. Tell them when you want to
talk about the deceased; and do not be afraid to use the word
"suicide." It is important that everyone accept what has
happened.
That includes children. You may be tempted to
"protect" your children by concealing a suicide.
Don't. They will hear about it somewhere else and feel worse than if
you had told them. Simply explain that sometimes when people are
very unhappy, they kill themselves. Let them know that suicide
is a mistake, and that they do not have to worry that you will commit
suicide when you are unhappy. You may even find that talking
to your children helps you with your grief.
Meanwhile, if you have a heavy schedule, lighten it.
Grief is stressful, and you do not need the added strain of too much to
do. Find time to sit by yourself and put things in
perspective.
Take care of yourself physically as well. Try to eat
well, get enough sleep and exercise. Physical activity can help
offset depression and provide you with an outlet for your emotional
energy.
The grief that follows suicide can be so intense that you
may wonder if you need professional help. While there is no
timetable for grief, if you think you are not coping well, you might
consider asking your clergy, doctor or funeral director to suggest a
counselor. If nothing else, you may be relieved to discover that you
are coping normally. A counselor may also be able to refer you to a
self help group for suicide survivors, such as a local chapter of Ray Of
Hope, or Survivors of Suicide.
Finally, remember that, in time, your grief will
diminish. This does not mean you will forget about your loved one or
condone suicide. It simply means you have learned to accept what
happened and get on with your life.
Preventing Suicide
Health professionals have noticed a disturbing trend in
recent years: cluster suicides, when one youth's suicide leads to
others among his or her peers. In a way, this is
understandable. Depressed adolescents tend to drift together,
forming bonds of despair. When one commits suicide and suddenly
receives attention as some sort of tragic hero, others may be tempted to
do likewise.
If an adolescent commits suicide, parents of his peers
should be alert for suicidal warning signs in their own children.
The American Academy of Pediatrics lists these behaviors as warning signs:
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Noticeable changes in eating and sleeping habits
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Unusually violent or rebellious behavior
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Withdrawal from family and friends
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Running away
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Persistent boredom or difficulty concentrating
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Drug or alcohol abuse
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A drop in school performance
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Unusual neglect of appearance
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Radical personality changes
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Psychosomatic complaints
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Preoccupation with themes of death
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Giving away prized possessions
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Talking about suicide, even jokingly
If you recognize these signs in a child, the academy
suggests you take these steps:
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Listen. Don't dismiss the adolescent's problem
as trivial
-
Be honest. If you are worried, say so. You
will not spark thoughts of suicide by talking about it.
-
Share your feelings. Let the adolescent know he
is not alone, that everyone feels depresed or sad at times.
-
Get help. Find a physicain, psychologist or
qualified professional to handle the suicide problem. Don't wait
for it to pass.
This information is provided by National Funeral
Directors Association, Inc.
11121 West Oklahoma Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53227 |