Caring For Surviving Children
Mission Statement
The mission of The Compassionate Friends is to assist families in the
positive resolution of grief following the death of a child and to provide
information to help others be supportive.
The death of a child strikes at the very heart of a
family. Bereaved parents often feel helpless to provide guidance and
comfort to their surviving children, yet must provide parenting at a time
when their emotional and physical resources are severely stressed.
children are frequently referred to as the "forgotten grievers"
while the attention of family members and friends is directed towards the
parents.
Your child has feelings and symptoms of grief similar to
those of an adult. He may also seem outwardly confused and defensive
about death.
A surviving child is reacting to the loss of his sibling
and to the changed behavior of his parents and others. Reassure him
that the depth of a parent's grief does not lessen the love felt for him.
The following guidelines have been suggested by
bereaved parents, surviving children, and the writings of professional
care-givers in order to assist bereaved parents to understand and meet the
needs of their surviving children.
The Age Of Surviving Children
Be aware of your child's level of understanding or
misunderstanding: a child of two or younger has the concept of
"here" and "not here"; a child of 3-5 years sees death
as temporary; at 6-10 years a child understands the reality of death and
is curious about biological aspects of death and details of burial; from
11 on a child conceives of death in a manner similar to that of an adult.
Explain truthfully to your children, on a level they can
understand, what caused the death of a sibling. Answer all questions
simply and directly, giving answers to build on later, not ones that will
have to be unlearned. Even a child of 2 or 3 can understand
"his body could not work anymore." The more a child understands,
the less fearful he will be.
Explaining The Concept Of Death
Avoid euphemisms; they are easily misunderstood by
children. Do NOT mix religious and medical causes. He was not
taken because God wanted him in heaven. He died because his body
would not work anymore. His body was buried in the ground. You
may believe his spirit or all the things that made him special are with
God.
The Sibling Relationship
Your surviving children had a close relationship with a
dead sibling thought he relationship may not have been loving.
Remember, grief will exaggerate the positive and negative feelings between
your children; encourage them to discuss these feelings. Children
often feel guilty and/or responsible for their sibling's death.
Reassure them that fighting and negative feelings between brothers and
sisters are common and do not cause death.
Parental Role Modeling
Do not be afraid to show emotion with your surviving
children - a controlled silence from parents is much more difficult for children
to cope with than open distress. It will also confirm the feelings
he has.
By your example in facing your won grief, show your
children it is okay to cry, to be sad, to be angry, to laugh, to use that
child's belongings or to forget at times. Do NOT isolate your child
physically OR emotionally.
There is a tendency to idealize the dead and parents
should take car not to make comparisons that could lead to feelings of
unworthiness in remaining children. While it is difficult, parents
should avoid being either overprotective or over permissive.
Your child's silence does NOT mean there are no feelings
or questions; the moment may not be right. Talk openly with
him or read a book with him - it may encourage him to open up.
Listen carefully to what he says, as well as what he does not say.
It may be easier for your child to talk to a person outside the family.
It is often easier for children to "mourn at a
distance" - show little emotion at a sibling's death but show
tremendous empathy for characters in a book or overreact to a broken
shoelace or a lost toy.
Some Typical Reactions
Children, like adults, may temporarily regress emotionally
and developmentally - tantrums, dependency, loss of manual skills, impaired
learning ability, aggressive behavior. BE PATIENT AND LOVING -
NOT PUNISHING. They may need more touching and holding.
This article is reprinted with
permission from a brochure published by The
Compassionate Friends. We have this and other brochures
available at our funeral home, and would be glad to mail them if
requested. Just call or email us using the link below and let us
know which titles you would like to receive.
 
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