Men are taught early to be self-sufficient.  They, for example, are reluctant to participate in self-help groups.

This concept is supported by the research on gender and grief.  First, current research clearly does not support the concept that women grieve more effectively than men.  Here conclusions of studies vary considerably.

Second, the limited research on gender shows that men and women deal with grief somewhat differently, in ways highly reflective of the traditional gender roles they have been taught.  For example, noted grief researcher, C. M. Parkes, found widowers tended to speak more about the loss of their wives as a "dismemberment," while women tended to experience the loss of their husbands more in terms of "abandonment."  This finding is not surprising since every culture has norms that govern both behavior and emotions.  These norms or "rules" teach us what feelings should be evoked and what feelings ought to be suppressed. 

Men are taught early to be self-sufficient.  They, for example, are reluctant to participate in self-help groups.  Dr. Therese Rando, a clinician and writer, suggests men, after the death of their child, ten to see themselves as needing to be providers, protectors, and problem solvers, making it difficult to accept and to receive help.  Other studies have found men to be more private, intellectual, and introspective in their grief.  Dr. Parkes reported that the widowers in his study were concerned with being "realistic," i.e. focusing on solving the immediate problems of loss.  He found men more likely to experience social recovery earlier, often quickly returning to work.  Returning to work was seen as a coping mechanism, allowing the men to become distracted from their grief.

This suggests there may be another pattern of coping with loss - one that is less emotional, but more active and cognitive.  Most masculine grievers, for example, seem to find it difficult to express emotions outside of anger.  Dennis, whose child was stillborn, expresses this reluctance.

"I knew I could hide my feelings very well.  I had learned that, and counted it as a strength.  People who thought similarly would never try to draw out someone's feelings unless they wanted to humiliate him or her.  I was thankful to these, for there were times when I was very close to that fearful state of being out of control of my emotions.  But I was spared that indignity.  I had cast myself in the role of the strong one and was trying to live up to that role."

Whether they express anger or not, masculine grievers seem more comfortable in dealing with grief cognitively and actively.  Hence, they may immerse themselves in activity.  They choose legal or physical actions in response to the loss.  For example, Jim, whose son was lost and assumed dead after the crash of his training plane, found solace by being actively involved in the search.  Other masculine grievers take active roles in the funeral planning.  All of those are typical of masculine grief.  Masculine grievers may focus on the problems caused by loss, actively trying to find appropriate solutions.  If these mechanisms are not helpful or successful, masculine grievers may tend to escape and soothe themselves with alcohol or other drugs.

There may even be types of masculine grievers.  Some, for example, may, in fact, be suppressing evident emotion.  There are those who are the problematic grievers who have strong emotions but because of their own perceptions of their role or the expectation of others have to submerge their feelings and be strong.  Another type may find it helpful to control emotion, choosing the time that they find it safe and appropriate to emote, perhaps crying in the car.  This type can control their emotional expression and find it therapeutic to do so.  Yet, still another type of masculine griever does not suppress emotion as their style of coping is not strongly emotional, but primarily active and cognitive.  This group may even be concerned that they seemingly lack strong emotional, but primarily active and problem-focused solutions for coping with stress.  They are taught to value self reliance.  Solving one's problems and facing one's difficulties alone have long been defined as marks of manhood.

Female experience tends to be different.  From early age on, girls' play tends to be more cooperative than competitive.  At early ages, girls are taught to share confidences and draw support from on another.  Emotional expressiveness is encouraged and girls and young women are taught more emotion focused ways of coping.  They are encouraged to seek support or nurturance from others.  In fact, the ability to offer and to accept such nurturance is defined as crucial in women's roles.  Women who are masculine grievers may have been socialized in ways that discouraged emotional expression, or perhaps they were thrust into significant care giving roles at a very early age.  Here taking responsibility for and care of others became a major role.

How to Help

As caregivers, we need to first build upon, rather than resist, these masculine patterns of grief.  Participating in therapy or attending support groups should be defined as problem solving or protective actions  - a way to assist others in the family, for example.

Counseling or support must be defined as ways for men (and women with this style) to master the process of grieving.  It can be affirmed that they seem to be coping with the loss better than others.  Many self-help books on grief can also be helpful if they are cognitively oriented.  Among other advantages, books can be read in solitude.

Second, we must allow masculine grievers to express emotion in ways comparable with their own style.  For example, masculine grievers may find it more comfortable to discuss "reactions" rather than "feelings."  In other cases, coping responses such as humor or activity may represent forms of emotional release.  These modes of expression should be respected.

Third, caregivers should encourage masculine grievers to take an active and problem-solving focus.  Some may wish to take an active role in planning and personalizing the funeral.  Even after the funeral, therapeutic rituals may offer powerful opportunities to express loss and enfranchise grief.  Following court cases or participating in legislative efforts may be viewed as a form of therapy.

The most helpful role others can have is to help grievers examine, evaluate, and support their attempts to cope.  Masculine grievers need affirmation that their way of coping is a legitimate way to deal with the loss.   Doing so validates the desire to cope in one's own way.  Some men need to hear that it is okay to grieve in the more traditional, emotional ways.  For example, one man needed reassurance that his expression of emotion and strong need for his wife's support as he reacted to the death of his father was both appropriate and manly.  In another case, a man who became intensely involved in work and his child's memorial fund needed to hear that this too was an appropriate way of coping.  Women who are masculine grievers also may need similar reassurance.

When we as caregivers fail to support and affirm these coping styles, we disenfranchise masculine grievers.  We are saying that unless you grieve in on specific way, you are not really grieving.

As with other significant variables, such as culture, we need to affirm that each style of coping has both strengths and limitations.  There are strengths in expressing emotion and seeking support as there is strength in stoically continuing in the face of loss and finding amelioration in cognitive and active ways.  We can learn from both approaches.  Different modes of coping are just that - differences not deficiencies.

Reprinted with permission of The Compassionate Friends from the 2001 National Conference Professional Seminar Handbook.

Originally printed in the Summer 1997 Caregivers Quarterly:  Volume 12, Number 2